Various cool stuff. From humor to music.

Obama is Your Cool Uncle at The BBQ

rye on the rocks — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 18:40:31 +0000

Don’t hate on Obama, he’s the country’s uncle and want’s you to have a good time, man.

Ever had a BBQ and that one cool uncle comes over? A beer in one hand while cracking jokes here and there? That’s Obama. Uncle ‘Bama.

Noticed how he said “Where do you guys get these ringtones, by the way?” Showing that he’s older, jesting us youngsters at the kid’s table.

If you’re BBQing, there are bound to be flies. How’s Uncle ‘Bama handle that?

Well, since he’s buzzin’ he talks to it. “Hey! Get outta here.” Then when it lands on his hand, he kills it via bitch slap. Like any man, he is impressed with his kill. “I got the sucker.”

Now that he just killed a fly and the sun is going down, he’s feeling a little frisky. Time to flirt with his wife as he cracks open another beer.
Video Here.

Oh nos! There’s conflict at the BBQ. Don’t worry, Barry has it under control. He sits the two down and has a beer and chats with them. Cracking jokes and offering advice, the conflict is soon gone. In other words, don’t worry. World peace is around the corner. So relax and have a beer.

Starmegeddon

rye on the rocks — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 20:16:18 +0000

Friend Zone

rye on the rocks — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 04:18:55 +0000

From Reddit:

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Boner Party

rye on the rocks — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 19:23:29 +0000

From my favorite Tumblr, Boner Party

its all about love. thats all this shit is really about. thats why we drive the cars we do, stock the refriderators with things other than condiments and leftover thai food, thats why we put the shoes on our feet to walk out the door with. that really is sort of the whole impetus behind boners, anyway. men are not unlike the penises of which they serve: we just want to be in a warm place and have a lot of attention paid to us.

fuck. bring it on. all the quirks that make them all the cuter. rabbit teeth? sure. laugh lines? even better. snorts when she laughs? put a fucking spoon in me because i am done, folks. that shit is the lifeblood of the western woman – quirky awesome shit – and i’m fairly sure its what got Obama elected. that and he can beatbox.

which isn’t to say that the appreciation of that means that i’m too twee to not want to fill you out like an application later. i mean SERIOUSLY. that quirky shit that you thought made you look ugly makes men go into this weird Mountain Man thing. its what makes us grow beards and wear plaid but not in that shitty bike messenger way. i speak as a card carrying member of the counter culture but let me say this: fucking hipsters ruined everything from Pavement to plaid (you know… the kind of dude that thinks that “irony” is just a description for the way canned beer tastes). i’m talking like “LET ME MOVE THAT COUCH ENTIRELY WITH MY WEINER” kind of rad get-it-done dude that we should all strive to be. sure, we did it with our boner. but really: we did it out of love.

a boner is a celebration – sure – but its the signal to something: a psychosomatic representation of essentially, deep down, something primal, and i like to think, something like love.

A lover of Glover???

rye on the rocks — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 22:39:51 +0000

We salute you Mr. Glover. Everyone here at the offices of Various Cool idolizes you. We honor you today, good sir. Thanks for the memories and keep on rockin’ on.

EFiS is Back!!!!

rye on the rocks — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 03:34:21 +0000

Everything‘s Funnier in Spanish.

I’ve gotten way too many faxes and emails over this. Please people, I know how much you guys love EFiS, it just takes time to find quality ones worth posting. So anyways, without further ado…grab the popcorn, turn out the lights, light a candle

Sliggitay

rye on the rocks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 01:33:18 +0000

If you all copped the Chester French album, and I hope you did, check out Sliggitay. He’s got a remix of Ciroc Star off Chester French’s mixtape, Jacques Jams, Vol 1: Endurance
Enjoy some free Sliggitay!

http://www.divshare.com/download/7152408-57b

http://www.divshare.com/download/7151781-a0c

http://www.divshare.com/download/7151726-24e

Percolators Suck

rye on the rocks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 02:12:53 +0000

Time again for Trend That Must Die!

Percolators, I hate you. Where to begin…You’re messy. I always get coffee grounds in the bottom of my mug. Why? Also, you make coffee too hot. I have to put ice cubes in my cup so that I can actually consume my coffee. Also, you are a bitch to clean up. I gotta take you apart and wash wash wash your stupid parts. Also, you are too basic. Not programable? Hello, it’s 2009, get caught up. That stupid little knob you have on top is flimsy as well. You cost too much also.

I can’t think of one single reason that I like you. I guess you don’t break easy…AHAH! You old trickster, you! You don’t brake easily so that I can stay with your mediocrity forever. Well guess what? I’m throwing you out. See ya later, percolator!

Digital TV???

rye on the rocks — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 22:02:28 +0000

So pretty soon I won’t be able to watch tv right? It’s going all digital but I dont own one of those fancy shmancy flatscreens. Some people tell me not to worry though. I’m so confused.

Monkey detective, can you help me????!!!

Greatest Informercial Ever

rye on the rocks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 17:41:03 +0000

Highlights:
Magic shiny oreos, “You’re gonna love my nuts.” Gahhhlic. I found out my life is boring because my tuna is. America is gonna be skinny again. “Tacos, fetticini, linguini, martini, bikini”

Review:
Vince is obviously addicted to Meth. And why is he wearing that headset? Is he working the drive-thru at Burger King later on? Also, since when does Radish+Carrot+Celery=Salad?

Guess what Vinny, I DO have time to make breakfast. Don’t assume, sir. Billy Mays would never do that. Never. He would get high and fall all over the place though…