Nothing like Christmas huh? Except for when you’re in the south.  They do it up, right.  Y’all didn’t know Santa needs a gun?

And Santa don’t need no Gottamn deer. Real men use horses…
You think Cowboy Kringle is gonna be riding around on Bambi?

Milk and Cookies? Get the fuck outta here! Santa goes on all night with the help of caffeine and beef jerkey.

Finally, Santa doesn’t listen to Jingle Bells and all that goody good shit.  Santa is an American.  He listens to this as he rides his horse; a horse named Harry S. Truman.